very frustrated today as i try to think of what has become of my life. age doesn't matter. more the frustration with time. years pass. things happen but you don't want them to affect the outcome of your plan. you don't want to be another one of those people who makes a plan then forgets about buried under the desert sun nothingness.
i want to colour my life. i want to have options. i never knew i would be an adult in such a dreary place. this country was much more colourful as a child. did it die out? or did my idea of colour simply change?
perhaps it became more specific. i don't remember it being this specific even four years ago when i first drew out my plan. but that shouldn't matter now as things in my life took a turn that was indeed the least expected. i know that life has had a crack, and that i am certainly still trying to mend myself from that crack, but my life has gone on and i'm reaching the age of no return. and my span of acceptance is reaching the finish.
im not getting responses or reactions. i'm not getting any bites for my bate. i am confused to all my options and the fact that i feel i have none at the same time. i'm overwhelmed by nothingness. i'm overwhelmed by oppurtunity. i'm overwhelmed by the fact that i have to live my life and be happy. where do people get the energy to expect and hope?
is it such a norm to be so sure about what you want? is it a norm to be so solid? i have never been. nor am i the amitious type. but still. i guess i can say im happy im not too far. but then when i look out at myself, i'm not sure im in view's distance. its all just a blur to me.